ARE YOU READY FOR SOME SHITTY PIZZA??

Welcome to college, idiot. Population: everyone. Are you ready to not have any money, and eat what is basically the taste equivalent of dirt? You’d better be. Because every night, for the rest of your college career, this will be your dinner:

Wow! Five stars? That’s a lot of stars! Like, all of ’em, right? All the stars? Listen. Lemme level with you here: Five Star Pizza is five stars in name alone. It’s really more like… One Point Seven Star Pizza (1.7 ★ Pizza). Not a great place. Not a great pizza. But they deliver. And they’re somewhat cheap. Those… those are the shining qualities that set Five Star apart from the rest. Get ready for some shitty pizza.

There she is. In all her glory. Honestly, their pizza isn’t the worst pizza I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t say it’s good, but it’s still pizza. I get the most basic in toppings, as their toppings aren’t spectacular. Just a straight up pepperoni pizza. The crust is lame, not floppy enough for New York style, and not cohesive enough for a typical pan. Halfhearted. And the ends are too bready. The sauce is not awful, but completely forgettable. The cheese is actually decent! That’s the best part of their pizza, and, arguably, their saving grace. The pepperoni is not awful; it’s pretty standard.

So their pizza. I have purchased it before. I will (probably) purchase it again. It is affordable, and it is pizza. That’s all there is to it.

“Cheesystix” are what these are called at Five Star – your basic cheesy bread. Pizza crust, lots of cheese, and garlic-type slime stuff on top. Not bad. The crust works better here, as it is all coated in the garlic butter. And these cheesiness is good. Comes with pizza sauce for dipping. The only problem is the garlic was a bit too intense, and after eating a couple pieces, it was sickening. You can’t eat too much of this.

And of course, wings. You know what? Not bad wings. Not the greatest, but I would actually recommend ordering them! I mean, if you’re going to get their stuff, you might as well get something you’ll enjoy. They’re fried and coated in a sauce that was really good. I was honestly shocked, as this was the first time I’d had their wings, and I assumed that all their stuff would suck. But good for them! Good job, guys. Maybe you’re more of a two star place after all!

In general, though, I wouldn’t recommend this. It was either them or Gumby’s Pizza, and I wasn’t in the mood for Gumby’s bullshit that night. I ended up spending thirty bucks, which was waaaaaay too much for Five Star Pizza, but my mistake was ordering anything besides the pizza itself. Five Star does work for mass ordering basic pizzas for party situations… they’re pretty cheap and deliver until four. Just don’t be too disappointed when you taste it.