Margeaux Says: It sounds to me like you just need the appropriate motivation. Sadly, as we age our bodies begin a subtle rebellion against us. Wrinkles, grey pubes, less tooth enamel, and weight gain are just a few of the hilarious ways that nature throws mortality in our arrogant faces. I want you to use this as your weight loss motivation. You will not lose wight for the sake of your vanity. You will not lose weight for the sake of your health. You will not lose weight for the sake of that pair of pants you wore in high school. You will lose weight to flout the laws of nature and laugh in the face of death. You need to approach weightloss like Highlander. You were born to be princes of the universe. Are you going to let 20 pounds come between you and immortality? No! Please press play and do 100 jumping jacks.

Rion Says: Heyo Fatso! I’m sorry to hear about your fattitude. I know it can be a real drag to be constantly eating and never moving. I, too, used to love eating (a long story involving an ogre and a monk). And I also used to love to stay in while I gorge, away from the judgmental eyes of society, and catch up on all the shows I had watched a million times before on Netflix. But I’ve changed, Fattylumps, I’ve changed. Unfortunately, as we age, our bodies like to remind us that we aren’t those supple, sun-kissed virgins we once were; one of those reminders being a slower metabolism. That, combined with being a lazy jerk, are a recipe for disaster, Fatniss. Now, while I agree that working out is boring (it’s like, so fucking boring), you’re gonna have to pick your pain. Try finding activities that allow you become less focused on the fact that you’re working out, or try workouts that allow for you to watch Netflix at the same time. You should probably start learning some self-control. There’s a difference between want and need. You don’t always have to treat yourself. Blah blah blah. If you’d like to be less proactive, you can always become a recluse who takes loads of over-photoshopped selfies, and nobody will be the wiser.

Roy Says: Well Fatso, if you’re not willing to change any of your old ways I hate to break it to you, but you’re shit out of luck. Not to toot my own horn, but I weigh more now than I did 10 years ago (all muscle mass). My blood pressure is in the high 150’s (both numbers). So, me being in peak condition (mind, body and spirit) it’s hard for me to understand your problem. However, here are some easy ways to attempt to drop some pounds without changing your shitty lifestyle. Take the stairs. When you eat that cake during your 15 minute break at work, do it while walking around the building. If you like soda, drink diet. You’ll get cancer and then just watch the pounds fly off. Now that I’m done being an asshole, changing the way you’ve been living for years is hard. At some point you just have to do it. Find a friend to help keep you motivated. Get an exercise bike and park it in front of the TV. You’re not getting any younger and it’s not going to get any easier. Just fuckin’ do it! Also, enough with the foodie shit. Just because you eat pizza with bacon and cheese in the crust doesn’t make you a foodie.

Rusty Says: Oooh poor Fatso. Poor stinky, smelly Fatso. I know your pain! I know it all too well. When I was younger, in my late teens through early twenties, I could spend all day just slammin’ Hot Pockets, squankin’ the squiz, and honkin’ on bobo. And I weighed like what… 120 at 5’8″? Shiiit. Now I weigh so much that I can’t stand up without the aid of an elaborate Japanese bionic exoskeleton that I call my “Gundam”. It’s pathetic. But I will tell you this: exercise is for chumps.
 
I say try the Paleo diet.

Nicole Says: There’s like, tons of pills you can buy on the internet that won’t work. That might work.