Dear Only In Tampa Bay,
Every week my work has a casual office karaoke night. Lately, one of the guys I work with keeps asking me to sing duets with him. He always selects the songs, he always picks romantic duets, and he only asks me to sing with him. So far, we’ve performed “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”, “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing”, “Islands in the Stream”, and “Wannabe”. I think it’s weird that he always selects these romantic songs and he never asks anyone else to perform with him. It’s not like I have a great singing voice. Not only that, but he gets really into his performance. He stares at me when we sing and he mimes parts of the songs at me. He has never been flirtatious with me at work or asked me out. If it wasn’t for this duet situation, it would never cross my mind that he is interested in me. Do you think he is trying to tell me something or do you think I am overreacting? If you think he is flirting with me, what should I do? Should I ask him about it? It’s weird, right? Help!
Margeaux Says: I definitely don’t think you are overreacting. This sounds like the middle of a summer, blockbuster and I. Am. Hooked. The only problem is that I don’t yet know what kind of movie you are living. It could go one of two ways: A) you and your serenading sweetie live out the real-life version of a quirky office rom-com that would star J-Law and Chris Pratt OR B) you and this psycho songster act out a taut stalker thriller that would also star J-Law and Chris Pratt because they are both amazing, versatile hotties who can “act in my movie” any day. It sounds to me like you haven’t decided what kind of movie you are making either. First, decide if you are interested in dating this guy and if dating him is even a possibility given office policy and the fact that you’ll have to work with him when and if things go south. Not every office romance has a Jim and Pam story arc. If dating seems like something you’d like, I’d just be blunt. Try something that borders on sexual harassment so there is absolutely no mistaking your meaning. For example, “Hey baby. What the FUCK is up? I’m as moist as a snack cake down there.” If you aren’t interested, you should be equally as blunt. You should pull him aside and calmly recite the following lyrics from Eminem’s “Kill You”: “Bitch I’ma kill you! You don’t wanna fuck with me. Girls neither – you ain’t nothing but a slut to me. Bitch I’ma kill you! You ain’t got the balls to beef. We ain’t gonna never stop beefing I don’t squash the beef!”
Next time he invites you to sing with him, accept his invitation. Stand on stage next to him, but face the audience. As the song begins, remain calm and still. When it is time for you to sing, open your mouth, wide. Tilt your head back so as to create a straight line from the bottom of your feet to the opening of your face. Summon up through this funnel all the hate and evil of this world, through your ancestors and beyond. Allow this evil to erupt from your body, first as a low bellow, eventually crescendoing into an unbearable scream of pure death. During the chorus, allow raging wasps to flow out from deep within you, and savor the resulting chaos as it unfolds around you.
The guy will probably not bother you after that.
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