askOTB

Ask Tampa Bay | The Team Ponders Professional Pooing Protocol

Dear Only in Tampa Bay,

I’m afraid to poo at work! I can’t hold it in because that will lead to uncontrollable desk farting, but the idea of pooing in the bathroom at work fills me with dread. Is there anything you can recommend to help me either get over my fear or poo in secret?

 

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Margeaux Says: Advice seeker, you deserve so much better than to live in a world where you have to poop in secret, but I understand that people (especially women) can be very judgmental about bathroom situations. I remember one time waiting my turn in a pretty noxious bathroom when the woman behind me said loudly, “god, it smells like shit in here!” I wanted to remind her that we were standing in a fucking bathroom, the place where shit literally goes down, and ask her if she had somehow transcended crapping. Instead I quietly rolled my eyes and wondered what potty training in her WASPy house must have been like. Listen ladies, everyone poops. There is no getting around it. Until we live in a more perfect world or HBO makes a show about four sassy, New York professionals who discuss their BMs over cosmopolitans, I guess we will just have to suffer the stigma and poop in secret. The key to pooping in secret involves masking both smell and sound: 1) put a little toilet paper in the toilet before you get started to muffle any splash sounds that may occur, 2) flush between the actual act and clean up so the smell has less time to escape the stall, 3) bring a mini body spray to mask the odor. I hope these tips help you poo in comfort and with confidence.

 

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Rion Says: Ah yes. This is a tale as old as time. Being able to use the restroom without the judgment of your peers is practically impossible. Everyone likes to pretend that they don’t have to shit like the rest of us do. Granted, it’s all pretty unsavory talk, but why do we all have to pretend that it’s so unheard of? I mean, it’s been happening since the dawn of time, so let’s get over it, already. Unfortunately for you, this isn’t gonna happen anytime soon. So, I only have one piece of advice for you; take it to the motherfucking streets. It’s high time we stop living a lie, and masking the fact that we have a hole in our ass that expels our disgusting innards. Let’s start a movement (no pun intended?)! Shitting in the streets! Our cubicles! Our cars! Trains! Plains! Front yards! Theatres! Wherever the mood strikes us. Only then, when our joined rancid stench has taken over every nook and cranny of our everyday lives, will people finally see that we all shit, and we should all just let it go, and let poo.

 

Roy Says: I know your pain. I was once a fool like you, one who would sit uncomfortably at his desk trying to hide the shame and evil that was brewing inside. I did not poop at work or in public for that matter. I mean, let’s be real, how is it normal to be washing your hands and hear someone taking a shit. A loud, raucous shit. I know what’s going on in there. There is nothing left to the imagination. I know waste is coming out of someone’s asshole. It is just really fucked up. But everything changed when I found a place, a quiet wonderful place. A private, single stall bathroom that only a lucky few can access. Not to toot my own horn but I visit that place at least three times a day and it is beautiful. (Margeaux says: Three times a day? Really? You may need to go back to the doctor.) I can do what needs to be done in silence. You need to find a place like this. Maybe you live close to home or a friends house and you can sneak out to do your business. I can assure you that I will think of you every time I visit my special place. Stay strong. Brothers in poo need to stick together.

 

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Rusty Says: Fear is an especially strong emotion, at times overwhelming even the largest of humans. But as Archimedes famously posited, “Fear is an emotion. Bad is an attitude.” What you need is an attitude appropriate to face this fear, or as Archimedes liked to call it, a “Baditude”. And by this I mean, of course, exposure therapy. Rather than letting your fear cripple you, you must face it head on. I recommend taking your poo to the next level – some real next level shit. Gather a group of your closest friends, and try pooing as they watch; this way, you’re guaranteed not to be judged, and you’re given the opportunity to tackle poos on your own home turf. Then, when you’ve become comfortable with pooing in front of loved ones, you’re ready to take this shit outside – literally. Go outside in a public place, and poo on the ground. Declare “This is my poo! Everybody poos!” as you point proudly at the poo.
 
Only then will you be ready to poo at work.

 

Nicole Says: I can’t even really understand the problem here. You are on the clock. Just think about how you are getting paid. This is a win–a win against The Man.

 

Need Advice? Ask Tampa Bay!

Disclaimer: Literally nothing qualifies us to give you advice on anything…ever. However, don’t let this deter you. What we can offer are several unique personalities, an impressive cache of real-life and media-based experience, and our mothers.

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