Margeaux Says: I definitely don’t think you are overreacting. This sounds like the middle of a summer, blockbuster and I. Am. Hooked. The only problem is that I don’t yet know what kind of movie you are living. It could go one of two ways: A) you and your serenading sweetie live out the real-life version of a quirky office rom-com that would star J-Law and Chris Pratt OR B) you and this psycho songster act out a taut stalker thriller that would also star J-Law and Chris Pratt because they are both amazing, versatile hotties who can “act in my movie” any day. It sounds to me like you haven’t decided what kind of movie you are making either. First, decide if you are interested in dating this guy and if dating him is even a possibility given office policy and the fact that you’ll have to work with him when and if things go south. Not every office romance has a Jim and Pam story arc. If dating seems like something you’d like, I’d just be blunt. Try something that borders on sexual harassment so there is absolutely no mistaking your meaning. For example, “Hey baby. What the FUCK is up? I’m as moist as a snack cake down there.” If you aren’t interested, you should be equally as blunt. You should pull him aside and calmly recite the following lyrics from Eminem’s “Kill You”: “Bitch I’ma kill you! You don’t wanna fuck with me. Girls neither – you ain’t nothing but a slut to me. Bitch I’ma kill you! You ain’t got the balls to beef. We ain’t gonna never stop beefing I don’t squash the beef!”

Rion Says: Firstly, let me just say that I am super jealous that you work for a place that allows for such after hours shenanigans. Secondly, your coworker is gay. Follow me on this journey, Karaoke Queen. I’ll make this short and relatively  painless. Exhibit A: “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” (1976); Sir Elton John is not only of the homosexual persuasion, but an international gay icon. Formerly besties with Madonna (another gay icon). Exhibit B: “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” (1968); Marvin GAYe. GAY. G-A-Y. Gay with an E. Exhibit C: “Islands in the Stream” (1983); Dolly is not only a gay icon, but she is an outspoken straight ally to the LGBTQ community and equal rights. Our very own Saint Barbie. Kenny Rogers is what we call a “bear”. Look it up. And finally, Exhibit D: “Wannabe” (1996); This is a Spice Girls song. I feel no need to elaborate on this. In conclusion, your singing partner is gay. I’m so sorry/congratulations (based on your sex/preferences, obvi).

Roy Says: Ew. This guy stinks. First thing’s first, are you in to him? That’s the biggest question here. Because yes, he is interested in you. No way does this dolt sing such shitty songs to someone he does not want to- how you say- put his penis in. Now, I can understand why he would avoid showing any signs of attraction at work. That can go very bad. HR meetings, then a sexual harassment lawsuit, and finally a large man singing “Bump and Grind” to him at the weekly prison karaoke party. He doesn’t need that rigmarole, so he lets someone else’s words do the talking for him. If you like him (and how could you not *farts*) then know that he clearly like likes you. If not, next time you all go out choose the least sexy song you can find and sing it right into his big, dumb, watery eyes. Do not break eye contact. Maybe try “Holy Diver”. Nothing sexy about Dio. Wait… He may take that as you wanting anal. Stick with “Livin’ on a Prayer”. People love that garbage.

Rusty Says: Rare is the moment that is more romantically/erotically charged than a passionate duet. The rhythm, the beats, the harmonies (when appropriate)… not to mention the physical sensation of your voice leaving your body and becoming one with the world around you. It’s damn sexual. So I’d say it’s pretty clear what this guy is looking for. If you’re interested, the path is clear – sing with this man, and at the climax of the song you must make love to him. But, since you’re asking for help here, I’m going to guess you aren’t into this guy, and are looking for a way out of the situation that is both subtle and work appropriate. Here you go:
 
Next time he invites you to sing with him, accept his invitation. Stand on stage next to him, but face the audience. As the song begins, remain calm and still. When it is time for you to sing, open your mouth, wide. Tilt your head back so as to create a straight line from the bottom of your feet to the opening of your face. Summon up through this funnel all the hate and evil of this world, through your ancestors and beyond. Allow this evil to erupt from your body, first as a low bellow, eventually crescendoing into an unbearable scream of pure death. During the chorus, allow raging wasps to flow out from deep within you, and savor the resulting chaos as it unfolds around you.
 
The guy will probably not bother you after that.

Nicole Says: …Absolutely.

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