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Ask Tampa Bay | How Sweet Were JNCOs??

Dear Only In Tampa Bay,

I was cleaning out my closet recently and found an old pair of JNCOs. Just for funsies, I tried them on and- miracle of miracles-they fit! Now I feel compelled to wear them because A) I can and B) the 90s are back, right? In what situation would it be acceptable for me to rock these wide-legged wonders?

 

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Margeaux Says: I hate to think that the 90’s ever went away. I mean, I’m still partying like it’s 1999 and I intend to do so until Netflix stops streaming Friends. Your question takes me back to my days at a catholic middle school when, anytime we were allowed to wear civilian clothes, several boys would parade around in their widest legged jeans and largest gauged ball-chain necklaces. They looked dope as shit and they didn’t give a fuck about your authority. If you wear those jeans, your whole life will get better. You will feel stronger, smarter, and more virile, but you are definitely right to wonder if there are any dress code limitations you need to worry about. I’d say these are strictly party and date night pants. Even though they are kind of utilitarian because you can put everything you own in the pockets (my friend TJ once put a full sized toaster in his JNCOs pocket) a pant leg this wide seems a bit too brazen for the workplace, too frenzied for relaxed afternoons, and too fly to waste on errands. Yes, these pants are most apropos for a first date, a house party, or a rave. Send us a pic or crude drawing.

 

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Rion Says: The real question here is when WOULDN’T it be acceptable? These wondrous relics must make their debut! The world has to be reminded! All that comfort. All that excess fabric. All the side-eyed glances of an unforgiving public. I’m salivating just imaging the possibilities. Now, the perfect day out for these bad boys has to be planned. You can’t just jump into this.
So, follow these simple, yet crucial rules for a successful first outing:
1) If it’s raining, don’t do it. Especially if these are the mother of all JNCOs that cover the entirety of your feet with their girth. Trust me.
2) Take up skateboarding. If you don’t, you’re going to run the risk of being labeled a “poser”. We can’t have you reputation tarnished. And this will be your only mode of transportation while you wear them.
3) Trim the backs of any torn/frayed pieces. The longer you let them hang, the more likely you are to trip. You don’t wanna look a fool while you jaywalk/stick it to the man.
4) And this is the most important of them all. Please double, no, triple check that these are, in fact, the real deal. There’s nothing worse than knock offs from some uncool company like JANCO, or JĖNÇO. It’s social suicide to wear these in public. REAL DEAL OR NO DEAL.
BONUS: If you can track down a Hook-Ups skateboarding tee to pair with said JNCOs, while not necessary, will most certainly take you to the next level.

 

Roy Says: All situations. I can’t think of any reason not to wear them. Laid back party? Wear them. Wedding? Wear them. Dinner with the Obamas? Pair them with a two sizes too big dope ass checkered Tommy Hilfiger button down and tell Sasha to “talk to the hand”. OB will be wishing he was you. You know how much shit I carry around with me? Inhaler, eye drops, wallet, keys, laser pointer, pocket pussy(s), and string cheese. I’d kill for those unnecessarily deep pockets these days. I couldn’t afford my own JNCOs so I had to wear my taller cousin’s hand-me-downs. But god damn it if they couldn’t fit a lot of Jose Canseco ball cards in them. But in all seriousness, do not wear them. You’ll look like a jerk off and get booed out of town.

 

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Rusty Says: I think the more pressing question is, “In what situations WOULDN’T it be acceptable for me to rock these wide-legged wonders?” Answer? Maybe a funeral, if it’s the funeral of a stodgy old prude held in a religious institution of some sort. Otherwise, it’s time to get on the JNCO train. Takes me back to ’99, rocking pristine, ungrinded Soap shoes and a pair of Ph@t P@ntZ brand JNCO knockoffs, desperately trying to fit in with the cool alternative kids. Eventually I gracefully settled into my role as reject band kid/anime nerd, but for that one and a half year long period, I was the true loser of losers.

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah you should wear those pants. They’re totally in now. Or ironically in. Whatever.

 

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